Monday, November 03, 2014

The More You Know (about Water)

Voting is one of my favorite parts of being a grown-up. I've been getting boozy and smoking cigs since I was a wee lass, but voting - can't use a sketchy fake ID for that.

I thoroughly believe a well-informed voter is the sexiest type of voter. So - I'm here to help you get it on, by being all up in the business of the nine candidates for Metropolitan Water Reclamation District Commissioner.  Just think of me your wing lady...

Cynthia Santos. DANG. Her website game is on. point. She's also been doing this for 16 years, and water has been coming out of the taps for at least 8, so I feel good about her. She was a girl scout, so she knows her way around a cookie. She has a section of her website called "Service is a Craft," which makes me laugh because it makes no sense and also makes me think of crafternoons, which are fun.

Frank Avila. His website game is a little less on but his picture is hilarious - so small and yet such a big ole' grin. Also look at all those papers! So much business to attend to! He's a vegan which makes me judge him both as a elected official and a human being. He apparently hires sketchballs to work for him. He's just another cog in that olde-timey Chicago political machine.

Timothy "Tim" Bradford. No website? Weak. Not even a facebook page. Listen Timothy, get with the "Tim"s. He looks like Buzz, my favorite not-actual-grandfather-grandfather but I think he may have sold his soul to win that "top of the list" lottery.

James (Jim) Parrilli. Ugh, he looks like he smelled a fart in his picture and he supports Bruce Rauner. NEXT.

Herb Schumann. Schumann on Sewers is a great name for a website. And Herb is a great name for a bald guy with facial hair. Also the quote, "The road to Easy Street goes through the sewer," makes me laugh and the fact that (apparently) everyone's favorite drunk uncle, John Madden says it makes it even more hilarious. His website has no other information on it. I'm chalking this up to no news is good news or maybe running out of money for his website. Either way, I'm glad the John Madden quote was considered more important than the "sewer issues" tab.

R. Cary Capparelli. He has a commercial spot which is full of nice stock footage of Chicago and people turning on water faucets. He lost me when he filled out the questionnaire for the Daily Herald and selected George W. Bush as a current leader who most inspires him. For the record, George W. Bush isn't a current anything.

Karen Roothaan. Apparently all the Green Party candidates are sharing a website - what a bunch of filthy hippies. She founded an organization called "Trees R Beautiful" but makes up for her refusal to use extraneous vowels by (apparently) going to the bimonthly MWRD meetings before she was even running. Bonkers. City-level governmental meetings are the most.boring. They make them like that so you won't come and bother them. Well played. Also, your most inspiring current leader can't be dead (making them no longer current). Did you guys even read the question?

George Milkowski. First things first - his name is spelled wrong on my sample ballot. So whoops. Second, his ideas about how to make things better are depressingly naive and optimistic.  Does he know he lives in Chicago? I like your spunk, but dream smaller, hombre.

Michael Smith. He writes EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS.  BYE. And in his picture he looks like he is trying to sell me a time share.

Here's the thing - the more I read, the more this entire department sounds like a huge scam. Just give everyone a rain barrel and cross your fingers that the Chicago River gets so toxic it just kills the Asian Carp for us.

Seriously though, vote. Tomorrow. DO IT. Vote for the people who are all about women having control over their bodies and medical decisions, who recognize that we were all immigrants with ancestors who got lucky at one point or another, who just want schools that work - whatever that means.

Nothing changes if your participation in the system ends at watching the Daily Show. Get out there and vote for three of these clowns, some judges (but the right ones), and some other people. Go. Go!

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She's pint-sized and amazing.