Sunday, January 17, 2016

Off Day. On Feelings.

Today is my first day Off since mid-August.

My first day without hosting. without traveling. without a to-do list the length of my arm. Today is a glorious no-pants-no-bra-no-cares day. And a catch-up-on-blogging-talk-about-your-feelings-day.

The past three months have been The actual hold-the-hyperbole b-e-s-t. I nearly ran out of happy tears to cry because they would appear 2-3 times a day when I would get to thinking about how wonderfully wonderful Q4 was for little ole Grandipants.

And then 2015 tapped in 2016.

And now that the fun is done, I'm left feeling all the feelings that were buried under this ecstatic-beyond-all-comprehension joy I was feeling just a few weeks ago.

I'm left feeling selfish. For making everything about me. For not being a good friend, despite the fact that people moved mountains to celebrate me.

I'm feeling self-conscious. For the choices I made. I made them all so quickly that I didn't have time to over think them, until right now. Now I get to overthink them until my brain turns to mush. I should-have-shouldn't-have and that's-why-people and everyone-really-hated and too-bad-there-won't-be-a-next-time.

I'm feeling ungrateful. I did not thank people enough, and all of my thank yous sounded like 99 cent Hallmark cards. I ran out of words when I needed them the most. My heart was so, so, so (SO) full of gratitude and it all came out gray and mealy.

BUT. I'm also feeling like a magician - I said some words and waved my hands and created a brand new family.  And despite what I tell people, it does feel different.

And I'm still reeling from wanderlustful adventures where we discovered that 31 year-old dogs can learn new tricks, and that the world doesn't need me to check my email.

So today, I'm going to sit with all these feelings in my messy house and try to come to terms with some of it. Or if I can't solve anything - I'll at least finish some of the left over mac and cheese.

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She's pint-sized and amazing.