Monday, July 21, 2014

Big feels

As I meander closer to 30, I have been taking stock of the world at large, and my changing reactions to it.

The thing I keep coming back to is how much more strongly I feel emotions now. I have always been one to speak in hyperbole but I have started to feel in it too. Or at least, I have recently (within the past two years) become aware of feeling positive emotions much more powerfully.

I feel it in my chest, just to the right of my heart (my right, your left), almost at the center of my breastbone. Its this dull ache right under the ribs. It comes on suddenly and sharpens over a minute or two. The only way I have ever been able to describe it is that it feels like my heart might explode (hyperbolic until the end). Never have I remembered feeling such love and happiness as I do now.

The first instance I remember of this was the first time Boyfriend held my hand in a movie theater. It traveled from our fingers and landed in my chest to ignite the coals. The next time I remember labeling it was when one of my favorite tots (who was then about 18 months old) said my name unprompted for the first time.

I feel it all the time now, in holding the babies of my favorite people, in waking up next to my best friend with two kittens at our feet, in big hugs from the littlest (and biggest) of my cousin-monsters, in watching my friends be in love, in good music on sunny days, in sending a final "love you, good night," text after night of endless laughter.

All these feelings, that have always felt good, resonate mentally and physically. I'm not sure why. I am not sure if it is healthy or normal, but I am thankful that it happens as it gives me pause and recognition about how good things are for me. I have always been highly aware of negative emotions and thoughts, it feels as though my brain is righting itself now that I am very old.

It also might just be that I should stop eating dairy...

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She's pint-sized and amazing.