Wednesday, January 04, 2012

when a door isn't a door

Dear Residents of Cold Places (this means you Chicagoans),

You may have noticed a sudden dip in the temperatures recently.  We call this Winter (or "Winter" if you prefer).  It happens every year, despite what your selective memory may have told you.  We all wear coats, lose mittens and complain a lot.  It's not fun, but for some reason it happens (what? I'm not a scientist).

Anyway, in conjunction with the mercury dropping like panties during a Ryan Gosling movie you may have noticed extra doors on some of your local establishments.  "A second door?! That's so weird." (you think) "Was there a sale on doors at the door store?"


There is a second door to protect the people inside who (due to their inside-ness) are not wearing coats.  And believe it or not - like most things in this world, there is a protocol to them to help make the world a better place.

Just like escalators, subway cars and ordering drinks in a bar (clearly Chicago never got the manual on how to function in a large city) - there is a way to do this that is right and a way to do it that makes you a flaming pile of douche bag.

Let's break it down real simple like.

Only one door should ever be open at a time.

I am going to repeat that, because it bears repeating.

Only one (1) door should ever be open at a time. 

What this means is that if BOTH doors are open at the same time you are Doing. It. Wrong.

Buh.uh.. I don't know how to do that?!

Yes you do. I believe in you.  You open one door and then close it behind you and hang out in that little vestibule area. And then once its closed, you open the next one and go to where ever you please. Seriously, you can go ANYWHERE - you can go to the g.d. moon as long as you promise that when you are leaving the moon you will open one door, close it and then open the other one.

With love and in need of warmth,

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She's pint-sized and amazing.