Thursday, July 29, 2010

The case for "line dances"

I am going to a wedding this weekend for some good friends of mine (the bride actually, in a round-a-bout way could be blamed for me and the Boyfriend bothering each other with love all the time). I was told today that there is a No Line Dances rule in affect for the event and I have to say, I'm kind of disappointed.

After voicing my sadness to the Boyfriend, he said he was relieved, because (according to him) line dancing blows.

So then I took the debate to facebook. And my friends are very opinionated and very split on this particular topic.

So here is why I think line dances are acceptable at weddings.

First of all lets clarify a few things: when I say "line dancing" I mean: cupid shuffle, electric slide, that other one that is kind of like cupid shuffle but more complicated and if you're feeling really classy - the booty call. That's IT. No hokey-pokey, no macarena and NO chicken dance. Come on people, lets get serious.

If you have a group of people who come in a variety of ages, sizes, and coordination - a line dance can really get the party started. There are some people who need a little extra push to get on the dance floor.

Imagine that all the "first" dances are done and you've played some wedding standards (I'm looking at you Whitney "Saving All My Love For You" Houston, and people are a little tipsy and its time to get the party started.

If you put on some Luda or Chris Brown and then just demand that Grandma get up and dance. She will bashfully shake her head and clutch the table cloth for dear life.

If you put on a Boyz II Men or U2 slow jam, those singles hanging around playing 7th wheel at their table are just going to drink straight vodka until they vomit miserableness and scallops wrapped in bacon.

If you put on Journey or Eddie Money people will sing, but they're not drunk enough to jump up and down like college kids at a Sig Ep "anything but clothes" party.

So what do you play to get everyone on the dance floor??

Okay - the obvious answer is "Brick House."

That'll get you at about 70% but then WHAT? You'll lose them with the next one if you're not careful.

This is when Cupid Shuffle comes in handy. Because the instructions are IN. THE. SONG. No one has to work too hard or feel like a giant flaming turd pile. Plus there are no partner bits - you don't have to worry about being the ONLY one without someone to dance with. AND its got enough groove to get you feeling good, but not so much that you need a shot of jager to make it happen.

So then, everyone is up (and by everyone, I mean the wedding guests that don't suck) and you can do what you like. Play some Jay-Z, and then followed by a little Mraz if you're feeling frisky. Later, when everyone is starting to fade - you play the electric slide. To get everyone back up because they all know it.

FACT. In 8th grade, in preparation for life (and the 8th grade formal) we spent an entire period learning the chicken dance, the electric slide and something else (it may have had something to do with "Achey-Breaky Heart", which there is no excuse for, but we lived in the country...and that's my excuse). Allow that to sink in...the administration (at my National Blue Ribbon middle school) thought that it was worthwhile to take time away from learning Math and Science ed? to learn exactly how to do the electric slide. It is a valuable tool for a productive life.

And I get it, people don't like line dances because they're dumb. Which is valid. But my Aunt L. who is super buttoned up for the most point, will at weddings, get real liquored up and ONLY dance to the electric slide (well, and Brick House - but duh). And it is. AWESOME. She will probably never dance to Single Ladies (and nor should she, being married and all) but its okay because the electric slide is worth the decade or so wait.

So of course they're dumb, we can agree on that, but everyone can get down - and shouldn't that overrule having an undumb wedding? Having fun?

And this is an excellent segue into my disdain for weddings that are "too cool for school," but we'll save that for another day.

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She's pint-sized and amazing.