Emdeedubs

I feel like we start the wait for Memorial Day Weekend the second week in November. Once the temperature dips, we know it's time to get our mama bear on and snuggle up in the cave until that sweet siren odor of grilling meat and sunblock calls us back to the world of the fun.

It is also the hardest three day weekend to jump back from - who wants to work on the Tuesday after Memorial Day when there is glorious sunshine that we just got to spend three whole days playing in? 

This year it was even worse because our long weekend started on Wednesday and the party did not stop until this morning when it cops-showed-up-beers-run-out-parents-come-home-eeerrrrkkk-on-the-record-player stopped and real life started again...

Monday Meals. Gimme all your breads.

We made it through Lent. I feel like ALL I have talked about for the past 40 days is what I have been eating. It has been tedious and I am very excited to not have it be examined quite so closely going forward.

I celebrated Easter with a bundle of good people and some amazing bites from the bread family including:

-ginger ale waffles with walnuts and dried cranberries
-lemon curd bread (this did not go so well, but even with the wrong yeast it was so crazy delicious)
-grapefruit poppy seed bread (get in this. yum.)

I am so happy to be eating bread again, but my stomach is a hot mess. HOT MESS. Ergh.

I feel like at the end of the day, bread (and all its friends) are important and wonderful, but my body has had an amazing reaction to not eating them by shedding about 20 pounds in 40 days. So while I refuse to stop eating them for forever, it is intoxicating to know this about the power of food.

And while Boyfriend will tell you, vehemently, that this is not a lifestyle he has any interest in continuing for forever, it is worth a shot to give up the unnecessary carbs - the ones that aren't delicious super special cupcakes or homemade bread or pasta with Nonna sauce. Its worth it to feel so good about my body, I think.  We'll see.

But for now - no more talking about food. He has risen (indeed), lets talk about other things.

No Panem for me, thanks.

The month of Be Happy Go Upside-down conveniently ended up coinciding with Lent this year. So it's going to be a really good month for shedding extra winter blubber and a really bad month for me being a fun person to be around.

This year for Lent I decided to give up bread and sweets. At first it was just "refined sugar," but people started questioning my methods for determining what contains "refined sugar," and once someone suggested cutting wine out of my diet, it was clear I needed to be more specific. 

This might be the most insane challenging thing I have ever done. Bread is my comfort food. Sweets are my reward. And while I know this will never stick past the 40 days (I am not a cave lady) - it is a chance to really think about what I am putting in my body for the next 5 and a half weeks. 

I so often just eat and eat without considering if I needed that extra crab puff. And let's be real - yes, I always do need that extra crab poof, but I don't always need four cake pops, and a cupcake with the crab puff.

Of course, the real challenge is getting past the, "but I want it," hurdle. This morning there is a giant array of bagels in my work kitchen. All the bagels telling me that they are going to help me get through this morning. And they would and that might be the heart of the problem.

There are a lot of delicious things I will be enjoying this month: bacon, avocado, fruit (can't kick this 2-a-day clementine habit #sorrynotsorry), and wine and those, I hope, will be enough to get me through the rough spots.

Since my baby brother, Buttmunch has also decided to attempt this journey, I am going to be posting lots of recipes and cheat codes for eating less carbs.

Also, at some point we will discuss why I let this religious event that I don't actually believe in be in control of my decisions every spring. 

If you need me, I'll be eating lettuce and hummus with my motivational team.

Valentine's Day last minute small and sweet gift guide

If you are looking for a last minute Valentine's Day present, look no further. I do not have many talents or skills, but I am a pro at the very cute, very thoughtful, very simple present.

This is the Valentine's Day version, but you can use this guide for birthdays, Arbor Day, Kwanzaa, whenever you feel a gift is in order.

Also, if you're feeling a little frisky while reading this tutorial, feel free to sing along to one my favorite love songs, Dickin a Box.  But seriously, your actual first step is to get yourself to Target. I know big box stores are evil, but you are going to find everything you need and it's going to be quick and easy (just like your mom, hey'yo!).

Target always has these boxes in the dollar bin and they're adorable. Get a holiday-specific one, or just a cute one that you like. I was digging this gold and cream and with a pink ribbon, c'est parfait.

Everyone loves candy, right? If you have someone on your list who does not love candy then get them some packs of gum, or little to-go granola bars or bags of trail mix.  Something small because this fills the bottom of your little box.

I picked these raspberry hershey hugs that I had never seen before (which are pretty delicious and perfectly pink), and some really cute Lindt Hello bars. We may have done a taste-test of these bars to make sure they were not poison and they are AMAZING. And so freaking adorable. Nice to Sweet You? Get out of town adorable, delicious Lindt.

I am a big believer in practical presents. Just because you're giving a gift does not mean it has to be totally whimsical and useless. For this type of present I try to do two different sized presents.

My recommendations include:

• Tights or GOOD socks. Not everyone can pull of hot pink tights like my good friend Jilly (the receiver of this box) can. But everyone can use some super warm smart-wool type socks. You can do holiday specific socks if you want, but people are going to love you more if you buy socks that are not chained to being worn one day a year. Even just pink or red socks would be fine.
• Magnetic notepads. Can never have enough of these. Always useful and can be regifted without you feeling bad. Everyone always needs somewhere to write things down.
• Cute, small kitchen appliances. My secret admirer (aka, Merlin, my mom's cat) got me this zester and I am on cloud 9. I needed a zester and I never thought to buy one, but now I just have it and my lime tart will be better for it. Garlic mincers or presses are always a good choice. If you have a friend with a Kitchen-Aid, find a cool extra blade/attachment that they might not have and pick that up. 
• Eos chapstick (or Burts Bees, but if you are going for a color theme thing, Eos is your best bet).
• Cute pink or red nail polish. Essie makes a billion colors perfect for any occasion. Have fun spending 45 minutes in front of the nail polish display picking out your favorite.
• A delicious chocolate bar (this should really go without saying). More chocolate is always a good idea. Or some throw-back candy, like Fun-Dip. Remember Fun-Dip?!
• For boys (if you buy boys present) - a little red race car (yes, even grown-up boys will get enjoyment out of a race car, the love of Matchbox never dies).
• One of those cups with straw that everyone has now, or one of the $1 Starbucks coffee cups.

If you know something that they desperately need (measuring cups, new underwear, dog treats) feel free to throw one of those in, something cute and small.

If you Fancy, you can get a card. But a cute post it note does the job (these are from Pea Pod Paper and Gifts).

And you're done. Simple, thoughtful, and adorable. 

My Valentine and I are working all day then rushing to hop a plane where we will enjoy complimentary boozy drinks (thanks Southwest!) and then spending the weekend meeting one of the newest additions to the family and eating at Boyfriend's favorite restaurant. The cafe in the National Museum of the American Indian. 

Any other great Valentine's Day hints and tricks to make things sweeter?

No Place like it.

I had such an amazing time while I was home for Christmas. One of the best adventures being the day that nearly everyone on my Mom's side of the family went into D.C. for a day of museums.

This is how I feel about being home.


Thanks to my baby sister, 'Bear for shooting this amazing vid.

dead things

We're 0 for 4 on getting flowers for Valentine's Day.  It is totally my own fault. I have made my thoughts on flowers and other cliched 2/14 gifts Very, Very Clear, but it turns out, sometimes I get to be a softy. Maybe its a distance thing.

It just goes to show that you probably shouldn't be so vocal and forceful about hating flowers to the guy you think you'll just be dating casually for the next three or four months...

I did get an over-the-sink strainer and some socks from Cougar. Moms tend to be the best Valentines.

Hallo-yum

Halloween ranks, for me, up with New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day - as holidays that never live up to the hype. 

This year, instead barhopping or going to a whole bunch of parties full of strangers, and then spending all the dollars on cab rides - I made the party come to me. 

I threw a party, billing it as the lamest, mellow-est party in the city - and told people that only half-hearted costume attempts were acceptable.  Taking the pressure off the holiday made it so much better.  Despite some minor hostess meltdowns, the party was a major success - thanks some tarot cards and delicious food.

As I grow older, I have developed quite a sense of pride in my ability to feed people successfully.  I will never live up to my Mother's reputation, but like Peyton trying to impress Archie - I am going to keep trying.

Luckily, I live with someone who is also up to the challenge, and doesn't work on Saturday mornings.  So we were able to serve quite the menu.

His contributions -
Zombie Eyes - green olives, stuffed with pimento and grated cheddar cheese, wrapped in puff pastry (not phyllo dough, as he so sadly learned the hard way).

Hot dog mummies - pigs in blankets - but the dough is sliced thinly and each piece is added individually (to make bandages rather than blankets) and sprinkled with cheddar cheese

Meatloaf rats - meatloaf in roundish shapes with cheddar cheese in the middle (notice a trend?) - with eyes made of peas, ears made of carrot slices and a tail made out of uncooked pasta.  It was adorable, and delicious.

My contributions -
Pizza.

I received a pizza stone for my birthday (thanks Hazel!) and really wanted to take it for a spin.  My Mom has been making pizza for my entire existence and she has always made it look so.easy.  Its not quite as simple as I thought it was, but this was definitely a good learning experience. 

My crust was nice and soft, but needs to be spread out a little more (after spending my whole life making and eating rectangular homemade pizzas, I now am living a circular life and it is going to be a hard adjustment).  Also, it took a pizza and a half to learn that you actually need to make dents in the dough so that you don't have pizza sauce dripping every where.

I am not sharing my sauce recipe, because its too embarrassingly easy. But the recipes other wise were-

Red sauce with green peppers and onions.  - Well, the onions need less time because they got burnt on the ends.  Whoops. Also, I think a few minutes being sauteed in a pan before being put on the pizza (rather than being put on raw) probably wouldn't hurt anything.  Easy-mozzarella-cheesey.

Red sauce with prosciutto, goat cheese and arugula - this was most certainly received the best.  I put on the red sauce and some moz and cooked it for about 6 minutes, and then put on the prosciutto and goat cheese and cooked it for three more.  Once I took it out of the oven I threw some arugula on it and then it was gone. I cannot wait to make this again.

No sauce (I just brushed the crust with olive oil) with mozzarella, feta, marinate artichoke hearts and sun-dried tomatoes. Well, sun dried tomatoes can only cook for about a minute before they burn (these were dried, out of a bag, rather than marinated), so that was frustrating to discover, but otherwise this was quite good.  It was not actually as salty as I was anticipating.  It could have used more cheese (can't everything?) - especially on top, as without the sauce holding down the fort, the toppings were pretty out of control.  This was the least well received, but it also came out last, and I think by that point, people were out of room in the pizza compartment of their stomachs. 

On top of this - our friends brought some amazing dips, a game-changing cobbler situation, some caramel apples, and wonderful company.  While there is a part of me that will always want to do an elaborate costume and have a wild and crazy Halloween adventure - I am finding as I grow older, that the quiet, delicious celebration is just as good.

It's messy and crazy, but I would not have it any other way.

of thee I sing

Today I took four kids from the organization I work for to a Martin Luther King Jr event at a local church.  The kids were going to be performing in the middle of the event which meant we had to sit through a bunch of singers and speakers that were interesting for an old fart like me, but epically boring for a 12 year old boy - especially one who is from Africa, so is no real stranger to struggle or overcoming obstacles. 

At one point everyone stood up to sing "Lift Every Voice and Sing." and the 12 year old stayed sitting.

His older sister: "Stand up!  We're all singing "Lift Every Voice and Sing."
The 12 year old: "Why?  Its not February yet."

This struck me as funny more than anything else.  Should I be horrified that he thinks that the only time you sing "Lift Every Voice and Sing" is during Black History Month?  Maybe.  But, I am not his parent or teacher so its not really my problem.  I did then explain to him that you can pretty much sing any song whenever you want as loud as you want and its totally fine.

This nugget of info kind of blew this kid's mind.

Happy Monday.  Please feel free to sing or talk about the dreams you have or how you want the world to be different any day you please.

jonesing.

Today I traveled by plane, train, subway, and car to my Mom's house in Maryland. I am so very, very happy to be here. There is a certain something about coming home for Christmas that fills me with such warmth and happiness. Nearly all of my most favorite Christmas memories are wrapped up in this house and with people from this town.

But.

Now that I am all growed up I am starting my own Christmas traditions, and I am becoming a part of other peoples' celebrations and it is quite lovely to have my own things that I share with my chosen family rather than my given family.

However.

I have a problem. Boyfriend and I decided last night before I left on my transportation journey that we would each open one present from each other. Just one. Chosen by the giver rather than the recipient. This was actually my idea and for the very practical reason that I had bought Boyfriend Charlie Brown Christmas on DVD and really wanted a chance to watch it before Christmas. So we opened our presents and watched Charlie Brown Christmas and then went to bed and merry early Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Except.

ALL DAY today - I have been craving the opportunity to open a Christmas present. While, at this point in my life, I much prefer to give than to receive presents, there is something about opening a box wrapped in shiny paper and discover a surprise, all for Me! that gets me so excited and deliriously happy. Even if I don't like the present, the act of opening it is enough to satisfy me. Normally on days that I open presents (Christmas is pretty much it, having decided that birthdays are far better suited for adventures) I get to open a whole bunch and get it all out of my system for the year. Hardly ever do I just open a single Christmas present, especially when I am fully aware that there are more out there for me.

Seriously, I feel like a addict. All day I have wanted a hit, a present hit. I have gotten to hang out with two of my favorite people, and even buy myself a little something to see if it would take the edge off and it did not work. There was still this little piece of me that wanted nothing more than to rip paper off of a box. Even if it was empty box. I just wanted that moment of euphoria.

And I am at least two days out from getting anything. It is going to be a long two days full of amazing times with gorgeous people that I love. And it could be worse, I could be sitting in my apartment in Chicago with an adorable Christmas trees and all these wrapped presents calling my name (sorry Boyfriend).

tradition

I thought that I didn't really like Easter when I started writing this post, and then I realized despite its flaws (ham, not as good as lamb or turkey) its got some serious bonuses (Peeps! Robin's Eggs! Cute dresses!). I think my favorite part of it is all the traditions that my family has discovered, lost, and rediscovered along the way.

This was the first Easter I spent with someone else's family (as opposed to with friends or alone with a 104 degree fever which was Easter 2007). I was somewhat terrified about the proper etiquette when experiencing a new Easter. Do I teach everyone the egg game? Do I sit quiet and hope that some else brought an Easter Pinata? Should I tell someone that its not actually Easter if you don't have a mimosa?

Because I am so very awkward in social situations I told everyone else (ie - all the people I would have been playing with if I was at home) I really wanted to play the egg game but then once I was sitting at dinner I got shy and realized that my traditions are mine, and no one else actually has to care or participate. So I kept silent. Until Boyfriend insisted we play. So we played the egg game. His family was willing to oblige although I think they filed this in their "weird East Coast girl" file (which is probably pretty thick at this point).

Everything was fine after this. I had gotten my Easter goobs out and felt like the holiday had actually happened (although it almost made me miss my family more, also -- still no mimosas). I was happily eating food that was eerily similar to all the food I am used to - and so I was happily making myself a ham and potato roll sandwich, minding my own business, when all of a sudden I hear,

"Are you making a sandwich?"

All of a sudden all eyes are on me. I look down at the sandwich in my hand with a face of guilt.

"Um, Yes? Is that all right?"

My family has been making ham and potato roll sandwiches for years. Its not just an Easter tradition, its a forever tradition - is it rude or completely inappropriate to do in mixed company? I was PANICKED.

"Yeah...its fine," I was told hesitantly.

I looked around at all these faces that are still somewhat unfamiliar and put me a little on edge. I quickly finish my sandwich and eat grab for something else to eat, something I know how to eat correctly...

But suddenly my world is upside-down because if you can't put sliced honey ham on a potato roll, what can you do?

I eat slowly, so as not to draw attention to myself. Once again insanely self conscience. Is there a wrong way to eat a deviled egg? Potatoes?

About five minutes later, boyfriends Brother takes ham, and a roll and makes his own sandwich.

Its nice to start a new tradition.

Luck o' the Italian

I'm an idiot - obviously yesterday's blog and today's blogs count. Making my total 25 out of 30. Pretty impressive...

Anyway - today is St. Patrick's Day which happens (despite my co-worker Eli's arguments) every March 17th. And, as someone who has NO Irish blood in them at all - I think I've developed an affinity for the culture.

In elementary school - today was dominated by the Irish Jig Contest which.was.FIXED. I swear. I never won, which is ridiculous because I am/was/will ever be a Phenomenal Irish Jigger (which is not something you should say quickly as you will raise eyebrows of consternation).

Anyway, some years I would make it to the finals and then lose. Because, see, the preliminary round was judged by the teachers and high-school teacher helpers, who tended to be fairer judges as they were so burnt out they didn't really care that much. The finals were judged by the Specials Teachers (who we should have just called The Russians to get it over with) and they picked the same two kids every year. It was such bull crap. And the winners got these ceramic shamrocks that the art teacher made, and I coveted one of them with my whole heart and never won. And believe it or not, that probably had a more profound influence on why I am the jaded bitter d-bag I am today, that you think.

St. Patty's Day didn't really matter again until college (duh). My first two years of college I didn't drink much due to my lack of friends and lack of proper identification. My junior year I cleared all that up and became a raging st. patty's day lunatic.

It wasn't until my senior year that there was any photographic evidence though. I'm not going to lie - I miss the age where digital cameras were a rarity and posting photographs on the internet even more so...at least back then when I did dumb stuff you had to be there to witness it.

Now let me be straight - in case you're reading this because you want to offer me a job or marry me or something in the future - I never did anything illegal. I mean, I probably jaywalked, but that's it. Everything else was totally above the bar/wire/thing that keeps you from getting arrested.

What happens is that the rules of proper social conduct go out the window. I tend to find it acceptable to take (normally with some sort of verbal permission) people's clothing or accessories. I have a habit of throwing things- mostly in celebration. I have no qualms about demanding that people give me things, or do things I think would be entertaining.

This is a very broad overview of my behaviors- and if you want more details - feel free to email me (as most of my SPD stories are hilarious but totally inappropriate for a blog my parents read).

I shall give you one example - last year, St. Patrick's Day itself was fairly tame - we went to the South Side Parade the weekend before which really demands its own personal blog due to its enigma-ness. And then the night of, Boyfriend and I were just trolling the streets of Wrigleyville looking for some cornbeef and cabbage (for him) and a salad/cheeseburger (for me).

We finally found a place and many of the people around were wearing the Chi-rish beads I had been lusting after most of the week.

Those Miller Lite marketing people are flipping geniuses. This is a fantastic ad campaign. Hats off.

Anyway, there were mardi gras-esque beads with the Chi-rish emblem on them and at no point did I see them passed out. People just had them. And I wanted them.

So after we had eaten dinner and are still relatively sober, we're heading to our next destination, I find a cop on the street outside the bar wearing one of the Chi-rish bead necklaces.

Rachel: Excuse Me. Where did you get those beads?

Cop: I don't know, someone just gave them to me.

Rachel: Can I have them?

Boyfriend: about to die from embarrassment

Cop: Sure. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

And with that, they were mine. On a normal day - I don't ever walk up to cops unless, you know, I'm a victim of a crime OR they're Chris Meloni. But because of the date, this felt perfectly acceptable.

So now I have Chi-rish beads which aren't quite a ceramic shamrock necklace, but then again - I'm Italian, so I'll take what I can get.

Challenge Extended

So yesterday was Mardi Gras - and so in celebration I saw 101 Dalmations on "Broadway" (or what passes for Broadway out here in the Windy City - so Randolph St...not quite the same ring). It was...disappointing except for the puppies. And the idea was kind of cool, but didn't work... don't see it. Let me describe it to you in detail and you'll enjoy it more, especially if you give me a puppy to play with.

And I also decided that for Lent this year I will be giving up Facebook. Which is a very intense decision for me. I spend a really absurd amount of time stalking friends, and old classmates, and occasionally strangers. This is probably unhealthy (and yet, totally accepted). So I decided that I was going to give it up. Its only 40 days right? And I used to give up TV. I am hardcore during this Lentent (?) period.

Of course I am immediatly sad because I won't be able to post pictures of my upcoming trip, new apartment or even of dumb every day things like my just in time cakes yesterday night (I had forgotten to eat pancakes - thankfully I live in a house where we freeze leftover pancakes).

And then today AnnieBelle demands I become lifepartners with her blog and I oblige (its easier if you just say yes). And in doing that we made a wager...if you will...we are each going to post in our blogs EVERY DAY for the next month. This will keep me occupied until March 17...which is St. Patty's Day! So at the end we get to drink! Horray! Perfect! Stupendous!

My other goal is to take at least one or two pictures a day. I don't take enough. So, I'll post pictures from the day before...maybe it will inspire me to write?

Yesterday's Just in time cakes:


Challenge Accepted.

dumb love

I still hate Valentine's Day.

Apparently, this is causing a little stir. People don't quite understand why I'm not giddy with the anticipation of flowers and calories and awkward dinner dates where I have to wear a dress.

Well. I hate flowers (why would you give some one a present that is literally DAYS from dying/is technically already dead? Would you give someone a 17 year-old cat with Feline Leukemia? Sit down. Think about it. That is dumb. A plant? In soil? Is different, but I'm still not interested). I really don't need any more calories in my life, and if I want candy- I want it the day AFTER Valentine's Day for 50% off, because I'm a girl who likes saving for a down payment. And Awkward Dinner? No thanks. I mean, I love a good meal out as much as the next girl, but I would spend the entire night staring at everyone else wondering they were going to break up/have sex/get engaged. And if someone got engaged in the restaurant I was eating in, I would probably throw food in their lap. Gross (they don't wash that floor very often, get off your knee) and Cliche. And honestly, I can't really decide what's worse between the two.

Here's the thing. YES. I have a boyfriend that I love. But so?

I cannot think of anything more hypocritical than spending the first 22 years of your life (okay, I probably didn't care the first 15 or so, but whatever) feeling inadequate for being "incomplete" this one day a year and then finally getting to a point (23) where you're perfectly happy to make out with strangers but not have someone to buy you a stuffed animal and candy and dinner (ps - receiving that as a gift that makes you sound like a 12 year-old. Gross. Again.) and THEN all of a sudden when something alters slightly (ie- a boy won't stop bothering you and tricks you into taking him home for Christmas), you're singing the praises of St. Cupid for giving you this opportunity to declare your love for this person who just showed up.

Dumb.

I mean, I am under the assumption that if my boyfriend would like to purchase a present or food for me, he is at his leisure to do so whenever the spirit moves him. It would be weird and awkward, but he can do whatever he wants. I may wear the pants, but I don't control him (okay, I do kind of, but I think he understands that he can buy me food and things and if he doesn't understand he will comment on this blog, I'm sure).

And that road runs both ways...

So, on Saturday, I will wake up hungover from a birthday party Friday night, do a kid's show, go to Circus class (maybe - see hangover), and then spend the rest of the day enjoying having more than 6 hours of daylight without obligations. Will my boyfriend be around? Probably. I can't seem to shake him.

A Lovely Wednesday

Yesterday many people celebrated Valentine's Day, I celebrated the fact that it was wednesday and I'm in a great place in my life.

I woke up in Aimee's apartment (I got snowed in the night before) so I got to hang out in her gorgeous apartment, use her super awesome shower, try on all her cute clothes, and have a piece of delicious Mounds Bar cake for breakfast.

On my way to work I found a five dollar bill on the street.

Work was medium busy. I had enough to do so I wasn't bored/feeling worthless, but not so much that I didn't have time to stalk people on the internet and read Gawker and Gofugyourself. Plus I got to snoop around my boss's townhouse, which is always fun.

Two of my absolute most favorite people in the entire universe sent me facebook gifts.

B and I decided to be platonic Valentine's (this worked out a little better for me than her...)

C and I made a pact that the first person WITH an actual-for-realz Valentine owes the other one dinner, theatre tickets, and a night of drinks... posting this pact on my blog is the equivelent of signing something in blood, btw.

My boss's wife bought us cookies that were shaped like corsets and boustieres, making them adorable and delicious.

Circus class! My handstands are improving like crazy which is great. My "bad" side cartwheels are just as good as most people's "good" side. We got to play with poi (those strings that people swing around that are occasionally on fire). My teacher said I had beautiful form on the silk knot and let me try all sorts of fun tricks (Sylvia rarely ever gives any sort of comment beyond "good" or "nice").

I started a new book that, 20 pages in, I already love on the train ride home.

When I got back to my apartment there was a Valentine's day box from Cougar that had conversation hearts, strawberry peeps, a light-up princess necklace, cute black tights and Amy Sedaris's new book in it.

I got laundry done (this is a huge accomplishment)!

I got to go to bed at 10 (see above)!

Today hasn't been as wonderful (in fact, its kind of sucked so far), but that's to be expected because it isn't a holiday.

I love everyone...Happy (belated) Lovely Wednesday to you all.

Shmesolutions

And so 2007 begins. It has taken all of my strength not to crawl under my desk and die today. I thought that this whole, "fly back in the morning, go straight to work" thing was an excellent plan. What I didn't factor in was the fact that I was going to feel like baked asshole for pretty much the entire day yesterday (and the fact that I've pretty much been on a drink, sleep, eat chocolate bender for the past week and a half). New Years Eve pretty much kicked my ass upside down and sideways. I fell off a barstool. That's how hard it kicked my ass. I decided to fight with gravity and gravity won (as it usually does).

Anyway at some point after the two pitchers of sangria and before I told one boy that he had to give me his mardi gras beads and another that I hoped he died a miserable death in the next fifteen minutes (I was trying to talk to Christine via cellphone! Do not try to have conversations with me when I am on my cellphone, particularly when I'm talking to Teeny-pants) there were jell-o shots.

A LOT of Jell-o shots.

We decided during the sangria and tapas (aka respectable) part of the evening that the best bet for the less-respectable part of the evening would be a fun lil divey bar in Adams Morgan (or Ad Mo, as I have just decided I'm going to call it...see also: North Fruit Loop) called Millie and Al's. Millie and Al's is my favorite bar in DC for one simple reason: $1 Jell-o Shots. The only thing better? Free jell-o shots.

This plan was cememnted when we realized that Millie and Al's had no cover. NO COVER! On New Years! Someone wants me to be happy! About 15 seconds after we had staked our claim on a fine piece of bar real estate the $1 jell-o shots light went on. I dropped a Jackson and we were on our way.

20 jell-o shots. 3 girls. Happy New Years to us.

C, because she is by far the most Suzy High-school of the thrio of us decided that for every shot we had to make a resolution. Here are mine (although I think the tally was up to 9 shots by the end of the night I think we got Courtney drunk enough that she stopped hounding us about it so we only made half a dozen or so).

1- Have a successful, healthy romantic relationship that lasts a substantial amount of time (although, that's asking a lot of me and the men of Chicago...I think that on NYE I said a month, I'm scaling that back to 2 weeks. Baby steps, people).

2- Have some mindblowingly good sex that ALSO makes me forget the english language (apparently these things are mutually exclusive)

3- Get an acting job. Any acting job (that doesn't require me to take off my clothes).

4- Learn to accept compliments instead of argue with them

5- Buy Pants. Really good pants. Mindblowing pants.

6- Stop dwelling on Matt Demos (oh wait...)

7- Solve all of C's problems by sleeping with the cute kid in her grad program, thus breaking up him and his girl friend and allowing Courtney to swoop in and be his new lovah.

8- World Peace.

Happy 2007. May you only write 2006 on all documents until mid-March.

Dear Santa,

In case anyone is having some difficulty coming up with christmas present ideas for little old me. This should do it.

Thanksgiving day gloat

Here is what I am currently thankful for:

The current weather forecast for Middletown, MD: Cloudy with few showers. 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 39 degrees.

The current weather forecast for Chicago, IL: Partly cloudy with a 10% chance of precipitation. 57 degrees Fahrenheit. Feels like 54 degrees.

Hahahaha. Suckahs.

Where no girl has gone before.

So. I got myself a little sauced on Mardi Gras. I chalk it up to the fact that this is the year of 21, so all alcohol-based holidays must be celebrated, "just for the story" (this, by the way, is the reasoning behind a good 98% of my decisions). Anyway, while I was imbibing my roommates and I discussed the upcoming Lenten period and what we were gonna give up. I told them my watery-caffeine idea and they dubbed it "laaaame."

"Fine!" I exclaimed (seriously...I exclaimed it, I was working my way through my second hurricane at this point). "I'm gonna give up shopping." A hush fell over the crowd and I realized what I had just said.

The table laughed. The kid who had known me for, like, seven minutes laughed. Obviously this was a pipe dream on my part. After that outburst of crazy the subject was dropped. I stumbled home at like 2:30 and sifting through the piles of clothes on my floor in a desperate search for some "effin' jammies" I realized that I do have a lot of clothing and if I ever did laundry I would probably figure that out. So yesterday morning I decided I had to, at least, try to give up shopping, especially because the money, it does not quite grow on those trees that grow in Brooklyn.

And of course, lets get specific. We're talking clothes and general junk shopping. I still have to buy food and sometimes the occasional gift (birthdays wait for no resurrection of Christ) and I'm gonna do it like a true Episcopalian (aka fake Catholic) and give myself the opportunity to cheat on Sundays because I do know that I need shoes and possibly a sweater to go with my Easter dress which is a whole other can of bananas because its black, which is making my Granny even more batshit crazy than she is normally, even though its 40's-tastic and beautiful, because apparently you can not celebrate the rebirth (by eating your birth weight in candy and baby sheep) while wearing black. It is, apparently, not what Jesus would friggin' do.

Thanks Dad.

Dad: So what are you doing for lent this year?
Rachel: I'm gonna limit myself to one diet coke and try to drink at least two liters of water a day.
Dad: I know a guy who died from drinking too much water.

Awesome. Thats my dad! Full of knowledge! After I had already had two liters of water and started my third we had this conversation. My dad knew none of the specifics of the dead man, just that he drank too much water. So I googled "death by over-hydration" (lies. I think I put in, "what happens when you drink to much water?") and that whole 8 glasses a day thing is aparently a bunch of hooey. Don't you love that I get all of my scientific information from a site that has "-a gogo" in the title? Aparently, drinking water hurts you. Nay. It is deadly. What do I do? Keep researching AND drinking, until I've consumed about three-quarters of my third liter. Then I go get Hot Chocolate, because I have to have my 4:00 Swiss Miss break or I've lived my day in vain.

Then the hypochondia starts kicking in. Now I'm dealing with a massive stomache (because I'm dying) and (of course) I have to pee because Wow! does 2.75 liters of water really flow through the system!

The thing that pisses me off the most? Besides the fact that I could drop dead at any minute from something as stupid as drinking too much water? I have to rethink my Lentent-whatever. I thought I was so clever and now...I'm just an idiot who needs to pee.

All Better

My Valentine's Day ended up being just fine. I got to my post office box and encountered the best V-day present of all time.



Though Amazon said I wouldn't get them until the 20th, the sly devils made sure they were in the box to let me know that even if I die alone at least I can look at pretty people on my TV. Which I did. Until 2 AM that night. Lame? Totally. But it is such good TV and even though I knew all the twists and turns that were gonna happen, I still got all riled up. That last scene where Addison shakes Meredith's hand? Awesome. I love me some Addison. The major flaw in the OD of Grey's I've had in the past two days? Ellen Pompeo's voice, which is slightly grating most of the time, but after 6 solid hours (no judging) makes you want to punch her in the vocal chords. Also, George's hair is awful. Thank goodness they got that poor boy a stylist.

Other things that entertained me post V-day:
Today, on the 14th day of the month of February, Saint Valentine came forth from the heveans and proclaimed unto the people of the earth, that Sex is really really good and people should have more of it. So the people had sex, and it was good, and there was more of it.

My brother. Who sometimes is funnier than me. Actually, most of the time. But we work best as a team.

I got the new Margaret Atwood book and I've only read the first chapter because I've had school reading (Ew.) but that was enough to ispire me to re-write the beginning of my not-so-great American novel (tm Courtney).

According to imdb (which is obviously the best place to get news) Paris Hilton has been approached to play Mother Teresa in some sort of biopic. Uhhhh....what?! Friggin seriously?!




Ninja, Please.